Well, if you’ve read or listened to my prior post entitled New Year’s Resolutions, you know that I’ve been trying something different to make this year a “better “year. I’ve been focused on trying to stay on a routine, which includes writing my blog/podcast on a more regular basis, and this weekend is the rotation on my resolution to-do list for that purpose. It’s going to be a struggle.

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I’m healthy, reasonably young (middle-aged), have a wonderful wife and four fantastic adult children. I’ve picked up the guitar over this past Covid-year, and just yesterday played a fairly decent rendition of Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me” for a good friend’s wedding. Today is Valentine’s Day to boot. And yet I’m not feeling it. Not one bit. I’ve been trying all day to shake it off, count my blessings and all that, but my mind will have none of it today.

I’ve always been a self-reliant person, both physically and mentally. I will never really reach out to others for what I may need, figuring with all of those blessings I mentioned what do I have to be fretting about. I don’t share my true self with very many – preferring to keep things calm on the surface so that I don’t have to reveal much about what may really be going on in my mind. They might ask questions that if I truly answered honestly, they would wish they didn’t ask, I’m sure. So I steer the conversations to the safe topics, like the weather and gas prices. I also continually find myself trying to make things right, make things better for those I care about, make sure those that count on me, including myself, can always do so. I don’t ever want to let anyone else down, and I regularly perceive myself as woefully unequipped, unskilled, and inadequate. It’s mentally exhausting, and today it just seems insurmountable. I know, however, that I am not alone.

To varying degrees, I realize that all of us have those moments where you just want the world to stop, and hit the re-set button. You honestly believe that you simply can’t go on another hour, or day, with the way things are. You also know that if you were to weigh your blessings on one side of the scale, counter-balanced with your perceived negatives on the other, the blessings would certainly tip the scale to joy and contentment – but on one of these types of days, that objectivity is no solace. Things are what they are perceived to be, sometimes, at least until the mood shakes off, and today is one of those days.

I keep telling myself it’s not a weakness, but can’t help or shake that useless feeling when these strong melancholic moods strike. I suppose I just have to let myself feel the way I do today, and remind myself that it is indeed “ok”. I’ve learned over the years that these rougher days are just as much a part of a full life as the easier, happier ones. And they pass. They always do, in their own time and manner. I have to slow down, take a deep breath, and remind myself that happiness and contentment will return. That the blessings, which are real and tangible, will soon eclipse the perceived and thus intangible inadequacies. Until they do, I will just keep the basics of life at the ready, like a hot cup of coffee, a warm fire, and good music. I hear the coffee pot finishing up now and the comforting smell has filled the room with that life-settling aroma. There’s even a little smooth jazz on the radio. I think I’ll grab a cup and put my feet up in front of the fire. Things are looking up already.

copyright 2021 -All Rights Reserved — by D. James Clark